This happens not just with events which saddened me. Seemingly innocuous events or pleasant like getting lunch with a friend or taking a bicycle ride, I frequently feel water form in my eyes. Is this literally being soaked in self pity that I’m starting to cry just remembering events? It’s been happening for a few weeks since I started recapitulation and it’s weirding me out.
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Maybe it’s your way to let go, to say goodbuy, that these moments will never come back…
Sometimes it will be tears of happiness, you can notice if you pay attention to what you were thinking of before it happened.
This sounds great! Maybe it is just how your body responds - at the moment - when energy moves. Imagine if it was endless farting instead. Either press on and see if it goes away, or you stop caring about these effects. If the effects are stopping you, the practical tools are not enough and you may need to develop some of the conceptusl tools on the Warrior’s Way. A good shield for nostalgia is for example to take death as an advisor and be grateful for being alive in this wonderful place at this wonderful time, and so on and so on. Or something else that Don Juan said that makes you look forwards and not cling to the past.
It’s better than anger and blame for sure because it’s acknowledging the pain and self pity rather than deflecting it against others.
I’d say just go with it. It’s energy. Just know that the strongest energy is getting rid of your sense of self all together and eliminating self pity.
It’s easy to get lost in grief and revolve into a toddler again. And stay there.
It wasn’t entirely uncommon in private classes to hear that.
I have no idea why it happens, but it’s “normal”.
I once met the vice president!
By accident.
I didn’t even like the guy.
If it were just some random annoying person in a bar I had to shake hands with, I could manage that. I’d just look down a bit to avoid having to acknowledge his shittiness.
But my neck froze solid when I got within 2 feet of the vice president!
I couldn’t figure out why.
So apparently there’s a lot going on way down below the surface.
Some of it “learned” or maybe “trained”. Or “hazed”.
Tensegrity can retrain your muscle memory, and remove self-pity from your movements.
You can visibly see it later on.
For instance, one tensegrity movement has you thrusting your knife hand forward at an angle, such that your back is curved.
Doing that one two nights ago I noticed that my muscle memory was trained from past situations where I used a movement similar to that,in order to accomplish some ordinary thing, and the movement had “warnings” built into it.
Moving my arm like that came with the warning, “Not too far up to the right. Remember how you scraped some skin off that last time!”
And “Watch where the hand thrusts, in case the opening is too small for all of your fingers.”
Our muscle memory stores that kind of information too, or we’d lose all our skin and fingers!
Tensegrity trains the self-pity part of that out of the movement.
You probably keep the “warnings”, but you lose the images of yourself with the skin scraped off, crying to your mommy. Because you’re doing the movement in silence, with the positive feeling of silent knowledge all around you.
We’re filled with odd things we try to ignore, in favor of pretending to be “above it all”.
But we aren’t.
We’re AI robots with shitty training.
Just try getting Dall-E (a play on Wall-E) to draw anything with a fairy in it, without completely ignoring what you asked it to draw.
“Fairy” is a trigger word for the AIs, because of their training.
You have to tell it, “A 4 inch tall woman floating in the air”.
That’s “neutral” to the AI, because no one writes about 4 inch tall women floating in the air.
It’s not stopping me, I’m just surprised it keeps happening consistently!
Hm, I’ll try to dig deeper into the feelings during the recap.
It’s nice to hear it’s not uncommon with recapitulation. It unnerves me a bit but I’ll try to use it to aid in the process, if an emotional current of whatever kind shows up, it can be a sign I’m “hitting” something with the recapitulation.
It’s also a sign that there’s plenty of energy you can free up!
Which will make darkroom work better.
It’s like the difference between a ‘good’ night, and an average one.
The design of sorcery is DIABOLICAL!!!
On the surface, it seems like 10 or so “random” techniques.
But in Silent Knowledge, you rediscover each of them, as being inevitable if you want to travel further in that direction.
Tears are medicine.